My heart aches to know love as the receiver. All the wounds that reopen at an attack recover – sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. But they do recover. It’s the words that linger: ‘unclean,’ ‘tainted,’ ‘unworthy of love.’ They’re dark shadows whispering at me. When physical pain resurfaces, I hear them – reminders of the nights I survived. Each new situation that doesn’t feel as bad, I allow to take hold, because it looks different. Avoiding the same monsters, I’ve encountered new ones I wasn’t prepared for. I retreat into safety, whether it’s with my sanctuary I build alone or with a monster that I’m so numb to, I don’t even care. Is this what a lifetime of abuse looks like? At the heart of it, I’m still broken, and all I can do is hope and love. Maybe that’s why it keeps coming to break me – because I still show up as love.
Category: Uncategorized
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My Muse
My muse he was. The words that begged to be written. I, giving in as I Always do. Unable to do anything but honor what my soul speaks. He needed solitude and I was a storm.
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When Time Grows Short
Why is it that when your health is failing life feels heavy with things hidden in your heart?
When your heart is slow and not pumping properly you feel the ache of a love you can’t hold.
You think about how much you just want to be held by them.
That the longer you are sick the more you grieve for time with the one you love desperately.
As you feel yourself growing weaker you dream of what matters most inside your heart.
It feels like Something greater forcing you to be honest with yourself as time slips away.
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Forged in Fire by Design
The one who created me, he must have known. When he made my heart soft, yet put me through hell, he knew I would break. The world would try to kill me, but I would be rebirthed into the ashes. Each time they were sent for me, he knew what he made – a soul that would endure. He knew I needed children to make me go on, that they would be the key, even when I couldn’t understand. My heart would be crushed under others’ words, but I would adjust and grow as I burned. He knew who he made in me – an angelic phoenix who grew as I learned. The eldest daughter forged in fire.
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I know
They drugged my drink, but they didn’t know – I heard every word. My memory held close, I am aware of everything they did to me, time and time again. Engrained in the thread of the fabric of my skin, I’m tainted and destroyed in ways they will soon know. The worst that happened was the words – even he doesn’t realize I know. I know what you did, I know what you said, I know I was your pawn. And I let you think you can win.
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Catacombs of My Tortured Heart
The catacombs of my heart are covered in memories of us.
1.0 8.0 summer solstice 22Through the pain I loved, hoped, and held.
It wasn’t just you
It was me
I wasn’t alone
I know you felt it
But you didn’t want to feel.
So my heart a catacombs of you Always
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Pawns of Deception
I never knew you.
You never saw me.
Secrets we both kept.
Your disregard created a block.
Mask so many mask.
I never knew you.
You wouldn’t let me.
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A Love That Was
There is a version of you that loved me so deeply it seeped into this lifetime and now I grieve for something that doesn’t exist here.
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Unheard
Your words fall silent, swallowed by indifference. Tears shed in vain, misconstrued as manipulation, not the ache of a soul. Some wounds can’t be tended by those who refuse to feel. All that’s left is to weep, to unravel, to learn, and to heal in the shards of what’s left.
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Penance
The air is too heavy.
Breathing feels labored.
I can’t feel myself.
Numb to everything but the pain.
Sitting in my chest
Tears forming
Tension building
Sadness has come for its Penance.
It’s name is you.
Ink Stained Soul... 