Reaching back into my childhood plagues me with questions of why I was never enough. Why was I the discarded one? Why was I so hard to love? Why did everyone always abandon me? I thought that for most of my life, I was meant to only show love, never receive it. That I had to earn the attention of those I loved, and yet it was never fully attainable. This plagued my existence far longer than I would like to admit, but it no longer does. It was him. He told me I never needed them and I should never let myself be treated that way, even by him. He warned me he would destroy me, and he did in ways. I watched a part of myself die living in a constant state of grief of the loss. But he also taught me to save myself, and in that, I learned to love myself, helping me heal that part of myself that needed it most.
Category: Uncategorized
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My gift
I encompass magic. It is mine and mine alone. Not to be shared of given away. My gift is my presence to lead you to find the magic within yourself. That is how I lead with love.
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How did it end?
How did we get so lost so fast this time? How did we lose us so quickly? I remember laying in your arms, you kissing my forehead, telling me not to get into my own head. I thought I was going to be the one, but somehow you stopped wanting me. What happened? What did I do?
Was any of it real at all, or is it all just on my end truly? Am I the only one that feels our connection, and it’s gone from you completely?
Do you hate me for reasons I am unaware of? Is that why you told me you were going to destroy me slowly and enjoy it? I thought you meant something good, but maybe this is really you destroying me from always finding you when you really hate that we are connected. Why? Why go through that? Why hurt me on purpose, just to break my heart and walk away? Cut me off from everything, and that would damn near kill me. Why drag out killing me? I can’t believe you would want to hurt me so much.
I will never walk away from how I feel about you. I may not stick around to watch you destroy me, but I will never walk away from loving you.
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Just because they tell you that you are inadequate doesn’t make it so.
You have too much baggage; no one will ever want to take that on. You are too different and dreamy for anyone to take you seriously. Your heart is too soft; you seem disingenuous. You are too much, always full of emotions. My trauma is too heavy to be carried by another. I never believed those lies, because I still woke up loving myself and believing he would find me, loving me as beautifully as I would him, always choosing love and refusing to believe what the world keeps trying to tell me.
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Ugly truth
Pain has become my companion. It’s right there as my eyes open, ripping me apart from the inside and demanding that I recall the reason it’s there. The ghosts of another’s actions force me to learn to live with it, no matter how bad it hurts, making some days hard to even stand up straight.
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Haunted
Every time I try to move forward, I’m overwhelmed with memories of us. I see myself standing in his room, wearing nothing but his blue shirt, looking at books on his shelf. He went to get me water. Flashes of him carrying me down the hallway, clothes left along the path, kissing me and touching me. I’m consumed by the image of a man desperate for the touch of a woman that can never get enough of him. I remember every moment of our nights together, haunted by images of us that I never want to forget, burned inside me.
I am still his.
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Love letters
He was the kind of man you would wait by the door for the post to show up, hanging on every word he wrote for you. Stacks of letters poured out every single thing in him. Ache and hunger built as time passed. The burning love never faded in the silence, always leaving you hoping to reunite finally.
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I got life
I got life.
You get to live your life and act like everything is good in the world.
I got life.
You get to freely walk around and no one see the darkness in you soul.
I got life.
You get to raise families without fear.
I got life.
A life of hyper-vigilance.
A life of nightmares.
A life of physical pain.
A life of fear.
A life of not trusting.
A life of never feeling whole.
All while you get to live freely,
I live in broken pieces.
I got life.
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The journey has been hard. I almost let my failures and what was done to me make me lose my way. You saved me in ways you can never understand. Even though you are dark in many ways, you were the one who lit my path, always bringing me back to my strength. Giving me the reminder that if I think I can, you know I can. Balancing me perfectly. The journey has been long, but the moments that created who I am now were brilliant. You shine like my beacon when I’m lost, guiding me through the way that only you can. My journey was long, and yet I have made it, still always choosing love.
Ink Stained Soul... 