Ink Stained Soul…

Moments turn to memories.
Outside of being a mother, my most cherished moments are of moments spent with You..
Ones drowning in your scent.
Echoing of your laughter.
Consumed in your passion.
I can hear you in my head.
I can be looking out the window and see your hands intertwined with mine, me underneath you.

Transported back to being Yours.
Remembering you putting a blanket over me rubbing my legs in your lap while I rest my head on your shoulder.
Carrying me down the hallway and placing me on your bed.
Your words I cling to them.
Those moments burned inside of my mind, heart, and soul.

Always

Your words are still the ones I need to give me strength. Your number is still the one I want to call immediately. Your voice the one that calms the storm brewing inside me. Shining so bright and brilliant to me. Your impact in my life, the gravity you carry my guiding force and a mirror to all my wounds. Becoming a need inside me that ignites me to be alive when you are present in my life. Time goes by and you are still my one phone call.

You never chose me.
Not in ways that counted.
I, willing to sacrifice for moments.
I suppose the truth is I never chose myself.
If I had, moments of happiness would have not been so costly when the emptiness set it.
You never chose me because I didn’t show you value.
That is a form of love.
Seeing the value in the lesson you taught me.
For that I am grateful.

I found my love for nature deepen a little more.
My laughter increase.
Time spent always an Adventure.
My connection to myself began to flourish.
I learned what it’s meant to be held and have someone in my corner.
Wiping my tears, my heart you nurious.
Listening to me sing Taylor.
Joining along.
Always protecting.
Running a bath.
Rubbing my feet.
Dancing around silly and leading me on a new path.
Talking about life all night long.
You gave me my smile back.
You know my favorite song.            
Taking care of me.
Making me eat.
Always so proud of anything I achieve.
You are the sun.
I am the moon.
Always shining brightly, since time has begun.

She was wounded.
Her wings weak.
He offered crumbs in the form of connecting.
It wasn’t what she hoped for, but it was all that was given.
Slowly she gained strength.
From his temporary affection and illusion she matters.
His crumbs came and went. Sometimes more nurturing to fill in the months of starvation.
Setbacks and weight loss, signs of impending death.
She had to get back on her feet.
Gathering food; cold and alone.
She got stronger, no longer barely holding on.
The crumbs still came from time to time.
But she learned to soar she learned to provide.

I felt the shift,
But I have felt it before.
This time was quite different.
I don’t feel attached anymore.
Dreams have stopped; no more you running through me head.
I am not replaying conversations or thinking of words unsaid.
The constant reminders or any of you, the need to see your name come through.
No tears, or anger.
No sorrow and grief.
Just a prayer that you are happy.
I don’t check, or ask, look to see.
I asked God to take care of you, that’s enough for me.

I didn’t fall in love. No, I didn’t fall.
I came alive in love, and it felt like recall.
Loving you feels like remembering who I am,
A soul revived, no longer numb to the pain.

The fog in a dark forest lifts, slowly,
Opening up the sky, and my heart follows.
Darkness is illuminated by the moon’s guiding light,
After over 40 years of cold and numbing life, had I won the fight?

My soul felt yours, familiar, safe, yet untamed,
A connection that sparked, and my heart was reclaimed.
I didn’t fall in love. No, I didn’t fall.
I came alive in love, and I stood tall.

I love my body all the time,
But I love it best when I can be free in it.
Violated from those that raped or used.
A womb damaged, scarring and pain.
When I’m back here in this place I put on weight.
I never realized that when a trigger threatens my self preservation I try to make myself less vulnerable.
When I’m shining and healthy that’s when I am free.
Loving myself through what was done to me.

Greet me with the warmth of a Summer Sunrise. Slowly casting out the darkness allowing me to open myself to the beauty before me. Let the singing of birds awakened a long forgotten promise. As the sparkles dance across the water, take me by the hand. Listen to the call of my wild heart and nurture my soul. Grow with me as the flowers, not just during the bloom. Let the magic flow freely let go of the restraints. And as the night falls and the moon takes her place, see the beauty in my childlike wonder. Hold me while dreams take me under until the sun calls me once more.

Your words seeped into my skin like poison, convincing me I wasn’t enough. The way you discarded me for others, deeming them more worthy, still echoes in my mind. I let those long-forgotten whispers of imperfection define me, reducing my body to something to be used. The silence that followed was deafening, amplifying my demons and letting them run wild. I’m ashamed to admit I still succumb to the familiar patterns of self-destruction – starving, exercising until I collapse. Yet, with each passing day, I’m learning to recognize the triggers, to course-correct faster. And when I look in the mirror, I see a person who’s bruised, battered, but still standing.