The catacombs of my heart are covered in memories of us.
1.0 8.0 summer solstice 22
Through the pain I loved, hoped, and held.
It wasn’t just you
It was me
I wasn’t alone
I know you felt it
But you didn’t want to feel.
So my heart a catacombs of you Always
I never knew you.
You never saw me.
Secrets we both kept.
Your disregard created a block.
Mask so many mask.
I never knew you.
You wouldn’t let me.
There is a version of you that loved me so deeply it seeped into this lifetime and now I grieve for something that doesn’t exist here.
Your words fall silent, swallowed by indifference. Tears shed in vain, misconstrued as manipulation, not the ache of a soul. Some wounds can’t be tended by those who refuse to feel. All that’s left is to weep, to unravel, to learn, and to heal in the shards of what’s left.
The air is too heavy.
Breathing feels labored.
I can’t feel myself.
Numb to everything but the pain.
Sitting in my chest
Tears forming
Tension building
Sadness has come for its Penance.
It’s name is you.
He noticed I have been staying home.
I wasn’t closing in on purpose.
Retreated is a soothing phase for myself.
A time to rest, go within on my feelings sometimes to hide, most times to recharge.
It’s been days before I finally showered.
Simple cleansing baths was all I was doing.
Writing, drawing, listening to music, wine, reading, meditating.
Lighting candles cleansing my space literally and figuratively.
Watching birds, cats, and squirrels play from my window.
Listening to The Tortured Poets Department for what has to be the millionth time.
Allowing my emotions and creativity to flow through me.
Finding beauty in my face and body.
Seeing myself as art work.
Embracing myself and my unique qualities fully with love.
What may look like avoidance is really spending time loving and healing.
I put down my pain.
I picked up a paint brush.
Letting each line each stroke create something new before me.
No longer stuck in words that locked me in.
Life, love, and plans blossoming with hope and dreams.
I broke through the dark shades adding color back into the hues of myself.
My art always my reflection.
I see past the darkness and brokenness you have inside to the light behind. It’s there plain to see in the twinkle of your eyes. A beacon of light that brightens my shine. It made things darker at times, but everyone knows that it’s darkest before the light shines through – the end of a storm. You led me down the path of wounds I refused to heal, teaching me lessons and trusting me to feel. I could never have learned any other way. Your darkness walked with me as I found my way through.
Your light shines, if you know how to see it with your heart.
I cry.
Every day. Even if it is for a few moments, I cry.
Feelings with no place to go begin to fill my eyes.
My heart sinking in to the emptiness you leave.
My words screaming to be written.
That is where I am free.
Free to feel.
Free to grieve.
Free to love you.
Ink Stained Soul... 