Ink Stained Soul…

It takes my breath.
Time hasn’t changed that.
I still look at you in awe and wonder.
I think I shall always be drawn to you.
A flame I can’t resist.
My soul knowing we will do it over and over again until time no longer exists.

Bigger than the whole sky.

I wasn’t too much when my hips drove you over the edge time and time again.
When I tasted the salt off your body.
When I screamed your name like a god for your neighbors to hear.
When your face was buried between my thighs tasting heaven.
When I took that call so he could hear what you were doing to me.
No I wasn’t too much.
And to be honest…
I am even more.

I’m like a book
That One sitting on the shelf.
A fantasy romance with something classic and magical. The book that you keep to be read.
You pick it up, clean off the dust collected as I have been on the shelf waiting. After a few turns of the page, I’m shelved once more.
Something kept around slowly read never the thing you can’t put down.
You put me down and know I’m just there. Yours waiting to be fully enjoyed and loved in my entirety.

If it was about how you looked on the outside, it would have been another.
The one that was so much younger.
His muscles so large that he lifted me as he pleased as if I was nothing.
If it was about how much he planned then it would have been the one that made dates and simply told me to be ready and dropping his plans to be with me.
If it was about the attentiveness, then it would have been the one that loved my moans so much he massaged my body long before and after he took me. Never missing a chance to touch me.
If it was what someone could do for me, it would have been another as well.
The one that tried to give and give despite being in a shadow.
It was never about those things for me.
I could never be taken by mediocracy.
They were not him and so it simply wouldn’t do.

They didn’t have your face.
They were not you.

I miss the version of me that never felt like I had to hold back.
She was free and fire.
The one that resides inside now is more reserved.
She tries her best to hide how she feels.
Full of conversations she wishes you were having.
All the things that pop in her mind that make her want to text you.
No, that version is long gone too covered in darkness to feel safe.
I just let her feel hollow and cry until she applies her mask for the world once more.

I feel so lost walking down these tracks.
Unsure of what I expected to change, too far to turn back.
I never wanted to come back so close to my hometown.
Life had other plans, here I swim or drown.
I had hopes this time it would be me.
When I leave this place I will just be free.
Free from the wind that hears me say your name.
Free from the rain that I will never dance in again.
Free from knowing what you are doing.
Free from the hope of any pursuing.
I will be gone and I will be free.
Free from a love that was never meant for me.

When sadness strikes and I’m not my usual self, and the shifts of hormones and fluctuations of weight come, if you cannot see me, want me, love me, or desire me when I’m not at my best, then you don’t deserve to live with me at my absolute best. Life is messy and changing; love should be easy through it all. A few extra pounds shouldn’t change your perception of me. Pour into me more emotionally, and watch the positive impact. Trust me, we know when we’re doing everything right; we just need love.

Men like you slither and sneak.
Oversell and under deliver.
Selfish, disgusting, and weak.
You can’t stand a woman who is independent from you.
You can’t stomach that thought.
You seek to destroy her, that’s what you do.
A man is not what you are, it’s who you pretend to be.
Just a boy playing a game.
The jokes on you, the world to see.
You think it is hidden, tucked away where no one knows.
The disgrace you are.
Their laughter echoes, it shows.

My body will never be perfect to someone who can’t see the beauty in how it movements.
My eyes won’t reveal it’s depths to a man so blind he only sees the surface.
My words will make no sense to someone who can’t look deep within.
My touch will feel ordinary to someone dulled by life’s mediocrity.
Life can’t be mundane if you dance in my magic.
My fire won’t allow you to stay when you try to extinguish me.
I am more…for my beauty is mind, heart, body and soul.

I choose myself.
I learned to sleep alone and like it.
I read more.
I stop explaining myself.
I love eating alone because I get what I want.
I never miss a chance to be near the water.
I have done community work.
I have become an even better mother.
I learned to be independent completely.
I learned that leading with love removes those that can’t and allows space to be loved.
I have experienced so many new adventures.
I chose love in choosing myself.