Ink Stained Soul…

She is Stardust mixed with Hellfire.
Wild and diffident.
She is Love.
And she is unstoppable.

Do you hear my voice?
I often wander what yours would have sounded like.
What your little face would have looked like?
You are missed every single day.
My tears still spill over a life we never got to spend together.
Can you hear my prayers for you?
I feel you sometimes.
At night when I get to have quiet moments and grieve.
You’re life inside me was just ours to have.
My sweet angel always with me.
The gravity of who you were to me can get heavy at times.
That is just a mother’s heart.
Time doesn’t remove my love.
When I meet you where you are, I will hold you in my arms.
I love you.
I love you all.

It happened again tonight.
I caught myself apologizing for taking up space.
That little part of me that still doesn’t feel like I deserve to be happy.
Healing and happy, yet that voice still speaks to me.
The person was gracious, encouraging me.
Learning to be worth it is not a perfect process.
The weight of it didn’t last.
I changed the internal dialogue.
Those steps that I once couldn’t climb becoming easier to go up.
Standing a little taller.
Smile a bit brighter.
I am proud of me and that is all the worth I really need.

Time and space know the truth.
The stars, sky, and the moon keepers of my secrets.
The day he kissed me they saw it align.
Running is one thing, but you can not hide.
For it has been set, the path on course.
He belongs to me of that I am sure.
Fate playing out time and time again.
I am his without question.
When he is done playing with his prey.
He will enter into his Queens den.

The pain doesn’t stop the love that  engraved in my heart.
Disappointment doesn’t dull your shine.
It’s there.
Every single morning and every night.
You are there.
Inside me taking up space that belongs  only to you.
I can’t run from it. God knows I have tried.
One thousand thirty two days.
You are the moon to me.
Bright brilliant, the one I bare my soul to.
Strong magnetic force in my life.
My guiding light surrounded by darkness.
Bigger than the whole sky in my eyes.
A sailor’s song on my lips.
A whisper that calls me back home.
The one thing that never changes is my love for the moon.

There is a rage inside of me that wants to have her way.
She wants to watch you suffer the endless days of sobbing and staring out the window.
Demanding your penance for the damage you have caused.
Fire that wants to see how you rise after the destruction of your malice.
Bounding me  in place, so I won’t be able to reach out to try and save you because you let me die alone.
The darkness wants vengeance for every callous move you took with me.
I have become a wielder of my shadows, for that you should be thankful.
The light within only wishes you to heal and love with your whole heart one day.

A breath of fresh air blew in my direction that day.
I was met with a kind smile and thoughtful eyes.
Day after day since you have wanted to know me.
Becoming more than a friend.
Inviting in where others are not allowed.
Calling to me when your health got faulty.
Texting me how beautiful the sky is at 5am because you thought of me.
Sending me pictures of the moon.
Recalling things I mentioned when you barely knew me.
Superman wanting to fix things where you can.
Always believing in me while showing me you too are vulnerable.
Building on the blocks of what was the road to meeting someone special.
Never hesitating to answer my call. I remember that first day.
I remember it all.

Music: ‘Superman’ Taylor Swift vault track Taylors Version Speak Now

Life has a gentle way of reminding us when it’s time to surrender the sacrifices we’ve made for others. It whispers to us to prioritize our own essence, to rest, to love, and to live – not just exist – before the fleeting moments of our lives slip away.

What you didn’t know… In those months of silence,is that I was drowning. Lost in darkness, the emptiness swallowed me whole. I sat outside night after night. Unable to speak, my voice not working. A constant flow of tears, sometimes accompanied by sobs that even the rain couldn’t drown out. Broken deeply, over and over. Each day the same. Heartache I had never known. Weight falling off of me. I was dying slowly. The knowledge of that relationship, the deafening sound of your silence—my executioner. When the color finally started to come back to my face, I stood and looked at myself. A warrior, significantly smaller in frame, with dark circles and a broken smile. But there was a smile. I had survived. I lived through the loss of what we could have been. I loved through your rejection of me, while I knew you chose another. I saw the broken smile and the color, and I loved who I was. I didn’t need the validation of being yours any longer, because I never was.

Songs: Taylors Version

‘Sad Beautiful Tragic’

‘All Too Well’ 10 minute version

‘My Tears Ricochet’

‘Cardigan’

‘Maroon’

‘You All Over Me’

‘Exile’

‘The Moment I Knew’

‘Last Kiss’

‘This is me Trying’

He was broken.
From things I knew nothing about. There he stood before me and all I see is the beauty inside him.
Hard from life.
Walls around him made of regret, pain, betrayl from himself and others. A heart so closed off. He doesn’t see that it’s keeping him held captive.
He overpowers me with the Enigma of his presence. A masterpiece that isn’t broken just put back together different than me.
Transmitting his song to my soul.
I wasn’t there to save him, nor he to save me.
Seen and accepted was all that was required.
Pushing to be the best of ourselves.
I didn’t seen those broken pieces.
I just saw him.