Ink Stained Soul…

I feel so lost walking down these tracks.
Unsure of what I expected to change, too far to turn back.
I never wanted to come back so close to my hometown.
Life had other plans, here I swim or drown.
I had hopes this time it would be me.
When I leave this place I will just be free.
Free from the wind that hears me say your name.
Free from the rain that I will never dance in again.
Free from knowing what you are doing.
Free from the hope of any pursuing.
I will be gone and I will be free.
Free from a love that was never meant for me.

When sadness strikes and I’m not my usual self, and the shifts of hormones and fluctuations of weight come, if you cannot see me, want me, love me, or desire me when I’m not at my best, then you don’t deserve to live with me at my absolute best. Life is messy and changing; love should be easy through it all. A few extra pounds shouldn’t change your perception of me. Pour into me more emotionally, and watch the positive impact. Trust me, we know when we’re doing everything right; we just need love.

Men like you slither and sneak.
Oversell and under deliver.
Selfish, disgusting, and weak.
You can’t stand a woman who is independent from you.
You can’t stomach that thought.
You seek to destroy her, that’s what you do.
A man is not what you are, it’s who you pretend to be.
Just a boy playing a game.
The jokes on you, the world to see.
You think it is hidden, tucked away where no one knows.
The disgrace you are.
Their laughter echoes, it shows.

My body will never be perfect to someone who can’t see the beauty in how it movements.
My eyes won’t reveal it’s depths to a man so blind he only sees the surface.
My words will make no sense to someone who can’t look deep within.
My touch will feel ordinary to someone dulled by life’s mediocrity.
Life can’t be mundane if you dance in my magic.
My fire won’t allow you to stay when you try to extinguish me.
I am more…for my beauty is mind, heart, body and soul.

I choose myself.
I learned to sleep alone and like it.
I read more.
I stop explaining myself.
I love eating alone because I get what I want.
I never miss a chance to be near the water.
I have done community work.
I have become an even better mother.
I learned to be independent completely.
I learned that leading with love removes those that can’t and allows space to be loved.
I have experienced so many new adventures.
I chose love in choosing myself.

The last night I felt alive I was intertwined with you.
Breathing in your essence.
Lost in your eyes.
Burning from the passion coursing through my veins.
Touching your skin.
Basking in your laughter.
Your voice demanding me to hear every word.
Music I only hear when I am alive.
The last night I felt alive I slept next to you.
In the goodbye, I once again began to die .

One of those nights that engrained within my soul, you held me.
I spoke of things that happened to me.
You listened.
Kissing my head and letting me cry.
I felt heard.
Supporting me and not try to fix it.
Fire burning in your eyes.
‘Fuck em’
That is who you are.

Love doesn’t know the details, it simply exist.
Like you, it’s everywhere for me. Day after day.

The version of me that loved you so, she drown in a sea of her own tears.
Suffocated in your silence.
Became nothing from your indifference.
I grieved her over and over.
Watching her slowly rise.
You will grieve her for all your days. You will realize not only is she dead but you were her executioner.

Do I ignite the fire within you? Do my eyes spark the protector in you, the one who claims me as yours? When we’re together, do you feel everything? Do my hips cry out your name in the still of the night? Does my voice, whispering your name like a prayer, calm the demons that haunt you? Does the thought of my body beside yours draw you in, craving closeness? If my smile doesn’t light up your world, then perhaps I’m not truly yours. But if I am, why are you letting me slip away?