Ink Stained Soul…

There are some loves that stay within you. A tattoo covering inside your chest. You lose parts of yourself to them. Love that will leave a hole nothing else can fill. Making it impossible to speak without tears from both happiness and loss. For me it was him.

Song inspiration:

Taylor’s Version ‘Daylight’ Lover

You didn’t know how to love me when you first came along.
Disappointment and tears early on.
Expectations not meant.
Communication broken down.
Fear and anxiety preventing us from building on solid ground.
Cheating and lies.
Heartache and grief.
Then something happened somewhere in between.
We held on to what held us so close.
Exploring nature, late night laughs.
Singing and dancing to of course Taylor Swift.
The way you loved me in ways you knew.
You gentle spirit let me be me.
You washed my hair and rubbed my feet.
Wiping my tears and making me laugh.
Holding me in your arms while we watched the stars each night.
Embracing my love for all things in the sky.
Evenings in our place.
That we both know.
Creating more space to let love grow.
You learned to navigate my need to be free.
You now know how to love me the way I need.

I can feel flames on my skin.
Burning under the surface.
Ready to come out with the rage of Aries.
Those of you who took and took.
Knowing it wasn’t yours to acquire.
Believing me to be too gentle.
My current weak, like you assumed the water that flows with my heart.
My empathy like a target to shoot your poisonous arrows through.
Thinking that you were ripping the veil of my essence.
My light illuminating all that would come to pass.
My compass, ancient magic.
Long forgot about, coursing through my very veins.
Hidden beneath the surface of who you never truly knew.
When balance and judgement coming calling, my face is what will run through your mind.
The sound of my voice and all I ever said.
Wishing I would reach out my loving hand.
The shadows will come and I won’t be there.
For I will be dancing in the light.

You thought I would fall apart. That I would be lost without you. That I couldn’t survive. You never knew the amount of times I walked through actual hell, preparing me to rise up each time, picking up pieces of myself alone on the path I carved for me. The demons in you thought they had the upper hand. Darling, I learned to be friends with mine, embracing them along with my angels, forging an alliance within myself that no man can extinguish. A beautiful mixture of darkness and light that the devil himself finds to be a masterpiece. You thought you could set me on fire and destroy me. All I did was show you how I rise, always the elegance of a Phoenix dancing in flames. The eldest daughter forged in fire.

You never made me promises.
Yet you knew you had my heart.You knew I loved you.
You knew what you did that made me fall and that you kept doing it.
My heart wasn’t broken all at once.
No it was slow.
Small cuts.
Some larger gashes along the way.
I can’t even be angry because it was just as much my fault as yours.
I don’t know if you even did it in purpose or you were busy protecting yourself.
What does it matter?
Bruises formed and healed.
Wounds reopened over and over until I no longer had the strength to walk towards you.
Parts of me dying.
The line flattening.
I went from I hope I never lose you, to stop you are losing me, to you’re the loss of my life.
Grief, never ending grief of something that never was.
Tears enough to drowned the earth still spill even this night.
Hope lost.
Darkness my familiar friend.
There is no account of it except what the moon knows.
You are still my favorite chapters of this life.
You always will be.
I will keep my promises.
That’s who I am.
I will love you everyday but I will do it how you trained me from afar.

Music: Taylor Swift (Taylors Version)

‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’ Lover                

‘How Did it End’ The Tortured Poets Department

‘Cornelia Street’ Lover

‘you’re losing me’ Midnight’s

‘Loml’ The Tortured Poets Department

Two years ago today you kissed me and changed life. I would love to say it was easy to let go but I won’t lie to myself, even if I do to the rest of the world. The weight of loving you pulls me under a sea of tears at least once on a good day. The bad days, it drowns me. You are the only thing that haunts me this way, your laugh, voice, and touch. The nights we have had consume me. I swear I can feel you some nights, hear you say my name. I see you smile then the ache sets in. The dream I can’t obtain, us. Remembering the feeling of your eyes on me, piercing into my soul. The intensity of us without words simply because we burn for each other, something I can’t shake. Your silence and disregard have proven that nothing helps my ability to remove my love. Visions of being with you plaque me. The frequency of them have slowed up. It scares me. I don’t want to lose you there too. I have never been yours by title according to society, but I have been yours in a way that spans across infinite timelines and past lives. Bigger than the whole sky, that is what you are. My oxygen. Daily I struggle to breathe with the heaviness of your absence leaves inside me. I stare and get lost in my thoughts, you taking over. Two years of knowing and loving you, I grieve every single day in your absence still. I understand the term love of your life and loss of your life. You are both for me.

There are days so heavy I walk around like a fog surrounds me.
The weight on my chest feeling like I’m dragging an anchor.
My emotions a stormy sea, turbulent and unpredictable. The pain a jagged rock, sharp and unforgiving, cutting me with every wave.
I’m lost in this tempest, struggling to find my footing on the shifting sands of my soul.
The lump in my throat burns like a slow moving fire, threatening to consume me whole.
Burning and choking me.
Leaving me unable to speak.
The tears threatened to spill if I utter a word.
Lost in the world. Unsure if the pain will always be there under the surface. My shattered soul searching for solace in the darkness.
My brokenness demanding my attention. Alone, I just need to get alone so the ugly scars can freshly bleed all over again.
My damaged unwanted side that I don’t want to be seen.

Music : Taylor Swift Folklore Album

“this is me trying”

You can’t teach someone a lesson through your silence and absence. If she’s learned to love herself, she’ll find solace in being alone, discovering beauty in the stillness. She’ll cherish her solitude, yet remain open to connection, inviting whoever she chooses to share her space, her bed, and her heart.

The only lesson to be learned is that she wanted you, but you taught her that you didn’t have what she required. Perhaps that’s the greatest lesson of all – one of self-worth, self-love, and the courage to achieve it.

We were both guilty. Running and chasing, holding tight to our independence. All the while, we were betraying our own hearts.

In our relentless pursuit of control, we fought to be the Alpha, never wanting to show weakness. But with each passing day, our actions made us weaker, not stronger. True strength lies in vulnerability.

We filled our time, and sometimes our beds, with others. Each encounter inflicted another wound, breaking us down and digging us deeper into this war. We were cutting away at the bond that once held us together, leaving behind only the tiniest of threads.

But even in the midst of destruction, there was a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t all in vain. I won’t allow it to be. I hold onto the lessons learned and the growth that emerged from the ashes.

That love, though battered and bruised, still lives on. We were two wounded warriors who had to learn the hard way. The war was never supposed to be against each other. We were both guilty.

Music inspiration: Taylor Swift ‘The Great War’ Midnight’s

It finally happened.
I needed you.
My nerves were so bad I was shaking.
My anxiety sending me back into flight or flight.
A dark place that I have a hard time escaping.
My safety in question.
I feel like I’m back to that summer when I reached for you to only find silence.
The reminder of my place.
Reality.
I have no right to feel hurt but I do all the same.
I feel something different though.
I feel like I needed to see it.
I needed to have the slap across my face to wake me up.
It’s okay.
I’m okay.
I realize I have given you a responsibility you never asked for nor wanted.