Sadly while you were adding little pieces of value to the compartment you placed her in, slowly she was decreasing the amount of feeling she could authentically give you.
You see as she was ‘earning a place over time’ you were losing to her self respect.
You can’t shelf a woman.
It just doesn’t work.
The original version dies off.
Your methods becoming the thing that distorts her view of you. Numbness sets in.
It’s cold kiss of death has begun the process of the loss you can’t see. You may begin to love as she has grieved the death alone.
Silence.
Loud silence that echoed different stories to you both.
Category: Uncategorized
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Distorted Compartments
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Let The Rain Pour Down
The rain on my skin, it reminded me I was alive.
I wanted to go twirl in a field.
Dance like a fool and let it soak me. I walked slow in it. Lifted my head to the sky and just took a deep breath. I sang my music and let it transport me into my world.
Cool air.
Rain pouring on me.
I felt.
I was alive.
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My Greatest Gift, Being Your Mother
As Mother’s Day approaches, I think of being your mama.
I think of watching you grow.
Of how the hardest moments carved the deepest places in my heart.
I miss the cuddles. I miss the baking. I miss your small bodies fitting perfectly against mine.
I think of sleepless nights — walking, rocking, praying.
Nights I kiss now, because I know what they made.
I remember the fears. The tears. What if. What may happen.
And I watch them turn into joy and pride as you achieve.
I remember small voices, small laughter.
Now I watch you four on Christmas Eve, telling stories, laughing until tears of happiness fall.
You love. You fight. You come home to each other.
The bond of siblings — it’s there. It’s real. It’s my greatest relief.
Love. The legacy of love I got to give you.
That was the gift.
Not what I did for you, but that I got to love you.
I got to be your mother.
And for that, I will forever cherish it.
Always
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Standing on the Ashes
Never once in my entire existence have I ever set out to hurt anyone. Every action I took has been because of someone else’s actions towards me. I have never cheated first. I have never disrespected another. I am pursued. All I have done has been the reaction others wanted from me. I showed you what I am capable of, if I so chose to walk that path. Don’t blame my standing on the ashes of the fire you started. And Don’t be surprised when I rise to the occasion.
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Facing the Mirror
To love oneself you must know yourself. Your mind, where you stand on things without anyone’s opinion. Your body, and as a woman, how each phase challenges you as you still navigate life. People will not care the dips in your hormones and how it truly affects you in every way. You must know your heart and let it be without influence. If you cannot honor who you are with grace and awe then how can you look in the mirror? If you do not love the way your skin feels under your own touch no one else’s with light a fire inside of you. To be loved is to be known. Even more so to love is to accept all those parts in reverence. For the light dances in shadows.
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Living by Choosing
Healing isn’t erasure.
You don’t get to unlive what happened to you.
Some pains never stop.
You just learn to let yourself find a new pathway.
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The Art of Seeing
When you recognize the trap you fell in, it is important you seperate yourself from the illusion. This conflict within of what you thought to be true. These feelings of love you were sure of…
All this needs a space to be short out or unraveled. The truth is the reason the trap what was worked was because they were spinning a fabrication. The magician is good, but once you catch on, they are just a cheap trick you learned from. It wasn’t love. They were not as amazing as you believed and truthfully were you truly sexually satisfied or was it just enough to fit the story. Moments are easy to ignore lack over time. Divide and conquer if you will…
You will see the childrens game clear and learn that love is still something you are waiting to actually experience in authenticity. You have mastered what it is not.
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The Art of Uncovering Yourself
Somewhere in the pain and tears you find pieces of yourself.
The nights don’t feel as lonely. You are not scared like you once were.
The songs don’t pull you into a trance or spiral.
Days are not filled with thoughts of them.
You just become more and more yourself.
It’s slow.
So slow you can’t exactly pin point it’s beginning.
You grow into who you were always meant to be.
And you realize that’s me.
I am her.
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Take the Lead, My Phantom
There are nights when I grow so weary of this brokenness inside.
I don’t want to fill my time hiding it and yet too tired of carrying it alone. Waiting for him.
This phantom I believe exist to hold me. To give me the protection of my heart I alone don’t have to bare. Can I allow my entire self to soften into him? Will he allow us both the gift of vulnerability? Will I get my partner to lead our dance of life? Hollow in my waiting some nights. The ache in my very bones to have love in words and actions. Choosing it day after day without seeking to poison us with outsider validation. Can I experience not having to be betrayed to see what should have been seen from the beginning? I yearn for him. The faceless man I know is coming. Hurry.
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Stained
I need a place for my pain to go tonight. Something to make the physical pain stop so I don’t have to know the source of it. It’s still there and even decades later nights like tonight I feel disgust in my skin. Wanting to be held and protected but never fully trusting it will be real. All the ways I have truly healed and this never goes away completely. Stained by pain. Stained by others. Stained by tears. Stained by fractures in my soul. Stained in ink that gives it some place to go.
Ink Stained Soul... 