If my wishes came true it would have been you.
You would have never walked away from me over and over.
I would have never felt the pain of being left in the cold.
Calls & messages, left unanswered. Confused, hurt, time and time again.
I would not have become so familiar with abandonment and tears! I would have not gone so long without eating or speaking.
I would not have to collect pieces of my shattered heart from you.
I would have never been faced with what seems like endless others, betrayal.
Humiliation of the deepest kind.
I would have just been loved. Protected.
Yours to cherish.
Yours to intertwine with.
I would have been everything.
I never got that love.
I got what was left.
But if wishes came true I would have never had my love destroyed by you.
Category: Uncategorized
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I Got What Was Left…
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Glistening Soul Extraction
Do you suppose we have been lied to?
That passion is meant for many.
That it can be experienced on every level with constant rotation.
I do not believe this to be true.
I have had many lovers in my 4 decades.
The ones the burn into your very skin are rare.
To experience this intense daring dance of glistening soul extraction is the exception to every rule.
It is something that not everyone can bring out of you.
It cannot be replicated.
It shakes you to your very core.
It’s truth in the darkness.
It’s everything you feel shining in every part of your body.
Shaking, breathless, it holds you.
Yes, we have been lied to.
I found the truth.
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Morning Light
We all have a path.
One we must make choices along the way.
Dreams, goals, plans for your life.
When you can no longer stand still.
Hoping.
Wanting.
Waiting.
It all must come to an end if time has taught you its in vein.
You must step forward in smalls way in order to take the leap into what’s next.
Tears will come.
Mourning is inevitable.
Lessons in life.
Lessons in headache.
All must be learned.
When the time comes, you will know.
You will decide your worth.
You will know what life for you deserves.
You won’t be afraid to lose something that was never truly yours.
You will gather yourself and know that morning light will come no matter how dark the night is.
The only person that can take you there is yourself.
The only people worthy to be there with you are the ones that hold your value like treasures.
When the time comes you won’t be confused.
Fear will only be slightly discomfortable because dying slowly in compliance is worse.
Brave.
True.
Standing in you.
That is how to achieve all those beautiful dreams.
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Anchored in Always
I can’t discount the ways you show up.
The words and actions don’t always match.
I often am confused, that much is true.
Evidence is there.
In small ways.
Love is underlying.
Always that is what we say.
Sabotage is also a language spoken far to frequently.
Fear or something else I can’t put my finger on.
Appreciation for one another, undeniable.
Watching one another heal and hurt in the same breath.
Still not together, but more than friends.
Something deeper and yet in this world too far apart.
A paradox we are.
Closer than most humans ever get and share our time or beds with others that require less.
The anchors for one another and yet we never set sail as one.
What a mess we make for those that try to get where we easily fall in place to with each other.
That is us.
Souls bound in trust and faith but not able to find the right road.
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The Art of Unmasking Numbness
It isn’t easy seeing others drown in their darkness.
The ones the drink to numb.
The ones that hide in substances.
The truth is there are so many ways to avoid sitting with yourself.
The gym, if it’s a place to build the physical instead of fueling the body as a whole.
Deprivation of rest is another form of avoiding.
A society where being truthful with all the things we wish to hide is consistent the norm.
Solitude was once my way to hide.
It transformed, becoming my training ground of mastering my vast array of emotions. They place I allow authenticity to overcome. Removing the shame of how deeply things have a hold on me. I changed the game of addiction and became addicted to being myself. I found a way to love in a world that would rather stay numb.
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Love’s Beauty & Brutality
Nothing is more beautiful and scary than love. The thought of the loss of people you love is the biggest heart break in human existence. Animals that mate for life just walk through life alone after their lose their loves. A child losing their parents shakes their core, makes them question who they are or where they belong. Losing a child, unbearable to find beauty after the devastation in this world. Losing the person your soul screams for, well I can’t fathom anything could ever reach you the same way. You feel half alive without them. Love the greatest of all life has to offer. It is also the thing that shatters you more than anything in this world. It is brave to find beauty around you and keep your heart alive when you don’t feel whole.
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Bleeding Ink
The bleeding little girl in me and the artist want to freely express what I went through. My manuscript witness to my story of survival. A way to make the pain mean something. The paradox of it is bleeding in front of people. I only want strangers to know they can live with a torn soul. I want him to see all of me because I trust him to hold me if I shakey. My protector, my witness, my always. The call I can make. The arms that give me safety and rest. Bleeding out in front of those that feel like they are picking at my scars to see of I will curl back up and die terrify me. Can I stay when my mind won’t turn off? Can anyone? Loss so much loss. Tears, safer alone. I am use to that. I know I can survive. I have my entire existence. Solitude my peace, my sanctuary, my place to bleed safely. All I want is to not be there alone.
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Wounded & Witnessed : Always
When the wound is so deep, what do you even do?
My formatable years 11-14 loss was the theme. I lost my grandfather. I saw this man whom loved me every single day and he was gone. My mother left. I came home from school one day and she was just gone. My family never the same. My little sister, older brother, and I never to live in the same space again. I lost my pack. Friends forced to have me around more due to the situation, they grew resentful. They didn’t want me there and in truth I didn’t want to be around actual families. I had lost mine. Finally, my grandmother lost her battle 3 years after her husband.My entire life wiped out. I was rapped in those years, an easy target I suppose for predators. Loss all I know is loss. So how do I truly heal from abandonment fully when I must guard at some level?Then he came along and gave me a place to let myself heal. Guiding me. Small ways. Making sure I knew it wasn’t my fault. Never trying to fix it just letting me say it. Giving it space to land. Making sure I skipped certain episodes of shows so I wouldn’t be triggered. Music, something so deep in my soul. He walked in my lyrical world like he owned it. Deepening our bond. Care, great care of my wounds wrapped in quiet gestures. Not unseen. Noticed. I was allowed to be angry, encouraged even. Relief. Appreciation. Friendship forged. My Lover, the only one I was able to freely give myself too. No one has ever had me like him. He carried me in ways that may have seemed insignificant to others but were everything I needed to come back to life. His presence all I have ever needed, and what I’m terrified of losing the most. A world without him would devastate my entire existence. I saved me but he held space for me to do it. He is my Always, in my heart, for he witnessed me.
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Lyrical Rythemic Trance
Music is the absolute most influential part of my existence.
I feel it in every part of my being.
Movement and letting it take over.
This lyrical rythemic trance that I simply can’t help but fall into. My soul just screams dance Sue Ellen dance through life. Let it go and let your body be free. Let your feelings pour out and wash all over you.
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I Exist
Does anyone worry about losing me?
Do thoughts of a life without my presence ever creep in?
Does that ache exist?
The fear my laughter will become a ghost’s Echo.
Ink Stained Soul... 