Ink Stained Soul…

Combing through the our memories searching for clues I overlooked.
Should I have chosen a different way of handling my own hurt and rejection?
Was I sabotaging just as much as you?
I replay it so much, I end up in circles.
This gut feeling you don’t want me to know.
Me learning the truth, Your version will change the entire trajectory.
Standing on shaking ground once more.
I’m getting tired, even for a Phoenix.
I suppose time will tell.
Fate will decide.

When we love someone and ache to be with them, hurt that they don’t have the same feelings, walls go up. In an attempt to shield ourselves from further pain, we can take actions we’re not proud of. We might try to fill the void with someone else, never once thinking that maybe, just maybe, the one we love is in the same position. Perhaps they too love someone they can’t have, and we become the temporary fix, the distraction from their own longing. Realizing they will never share how you feel because their heart won’t go all the way. Becoming an endless cycle of use, where we’re both trying to fill the emptiness, but never truly finding fulfillment.

There will inevitably be someone more alluring than you,
With beauty more striking than your own.
She may have prettier eyes and a smile that outshines yours.
Someone who captures the eye of the one you desire.
Oh yes, there will be another.
She will fit better in the box you’ve never fit into.
Becoming the mold of who someone chooses.
You will find that, although it hurts along the way.
You are anything but the typical mundane.
She allows those who need a box to sit back and watch while you shine across the entire sky.
My darling, there is no one who will ever be you.

It was rare.
I remember every moment.
It wasn’t the desperate dive into need.
This was intentional.
Meticulous.
Always with purpose what you speak to me.
Few words ever needed.
Our eyes betraying us, or were we both choosing to let it be seen and felt.
My body yours once again.
Full of life, fire, ache, desire, you, and love.
Every movement seeping in us.
Pouring out the entirety of my being into you.
Hoarse from calling out.
Only taking our eyes off one another long enough to close them in release and surrender.
Clinging to one other.
We move in sync as we have done from the start.
Effortlessly.
Holding on to everything that we are.
Lost or found, I don’t think it mattered.
Each touch screaming how deeply we are connected.
Intertwined in every way.
Nothing else exist.
It was sacred.

Song inspiration:

‘I’m yours’ Isabel LaRosa

I close my eyes, I see you there.
Those piercing blue eyes; that smart ass grin.
Pulling my legs in your lap.
Candles lit.
Music playing.
Teasing, test the waters.
Tasting.
The barrier we keep up has fallen.
I feel your breathe on my neck.
Voice low and commanding.
I was a drippy sweaty mess.
Barley able to speak.
Giving all of myself to you.
You knew it too.
When I surrendered to you, to us.
I was trembling.
You held me, reassuring me.
I was yours.

Song Inspiration:

Fearless Taylor’s Version ‘ Untouchable’

I have a few theories wrapped in my own experience and other close to me.
I think we force things and argue when we haven’t learned some lesson. This person shows you what you want. I don’t think you have issues that prevent love from Flushing when it’s true.
You naturally want to meet that person in the middle and shape life with a goal of doing life together. When that’s what you have nothing is impossible.
If you want to win then you aren’t on the same team. That’s not love. That attraction with self serving purpose.
You have to want their presence even if they are sick because that who you are to one another. Love is in the quiet mundane world when you close the door on the outside world.
We are trained to settle.
Too afraid to let yourself free fall and find the magic.

When his shields fall, I see him. The boy inside. Brilliant with more depths than what he shows the world. Meticulous with his words. So far ahead, that I wonder if he realizes he left me behind. I fall into a girl that has child-like naivety when I listen to him speak. I breathe it in. Those moments I have had the pleasure to know him that way.

“We needed that night, the one you called for me. You have the ability to still take me by surprise. You stayed. I slept beside you; you pulled me close. We needed that night.
Teasingly calling each other out on our bullshit, knowing we were both seeing who would cave. How far would we let each other in? What were we willing to say? The weakness we have for one another is palpable. Our eyes speak, telling they other the truth. Our fire, controls us when we have held back too long.
The things we say to each other when our bodies are one—the heat, the sweat, the raging wildfire. Everything we won’t say comes out in our desire. Time does not dull the storm that we are. But morning light returns us to who we were, as it has always done.”

“I stopped to ask myself, ‘What do you want? What do you need? Where have you cut yourself short in the ways of your heart?’ I love so big that I forget sometimes—that I should stop sacrificing myself. A lesson so hard to learn, but still a lesson required.

So, what is it that I want and need? I want it all, you see. A man who only sees me—one who’s passionate, kind, and smart. A man who will always protect my heart, who will plan sweet things and give me his time. Providing safety, and not only letting but encouraging me to shine.

Someone to go on life’s adventures with, to be silly with me. One who will never let disagreements become more important than the future we see. Building and seeking refuge within our connection, healing and loving, taking care of one another. Fighting wars together, never going to bed mad. Cuddling and softness, picking each other up when we’re sad. Partners in crime, lovers who would shame this world. Understanding and inspiring each other.”

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: who can’t you live without? When kids are grown and you start to grow old, who do you want right there, sitting on the porch watching the sunset and night sky? Whose hand do you want to hold? Whose jokes do you want to hear? The laugh that you will not grow tired of. Will you have to convince them to dance with you? Whose stories do you want to hear time and time again? When your body can’t do what it once did, who do you want holding you all night instead? That’s where your heart lies. That is how you know. This person has your body, heart and soul.