Ink Stained Soul…

Humans tell you they aren’t for you for real. All those small, disrespectful remarks, completely ignoring your boundaries, then trying to downplay it as if your feelings are insignificant. They’re telling you. Watching just how far they can go before you push back. Some take a long time, some never do. And then, well, there’s the one that needs to remind people that angels do in fact have claws.

Freedom from my cage, under the sky,
the catacombs of my heart have remained untouched.
Hidden ruins that look more like a sacred temple,
which only I visit with reverence.
I can feel the warmth shine like the sun
kissing my skin on a Tuesday in June. There I feel you.

After months, the last of the venom left my body.
Stripped down bare, only my essence remains
That glow.
The light in my eyes, that sparkle… all me.
My solitude is not a refuge,
but my wonderland of freedom.
Freedom to embrace everything that shines for me.

They will call you paranoid, untrusting. When truly, it’s wisdom through trial. Some people, like myself, can’t trust our food or drink to not be tampered with. We are seeing through different lenses. Your level of assurance means nothing to their offense. Blind loyalty can only hold true if you make it through life without the mark of society’s darkest minds.

‘Baggage.’ That word in itself sounds harsh, ugly, a daunting task. I was told having kids was baggage that would prevent me from love. That all my past would be too much for anyone to unpack. It was recently mentioned to me again. ‘Two people with so much baggage – what could they possibly offer?’ I have thought about it endlessly, swirling in my head for so long. The answer keeps coming back to something simple: leave it at the door and slowly unpack it. Some items require encouragement, while others you allow to unpack themselves. Other things unpack together. Over time, with someone to reminisce with, allowing the story to be honored and put away for good. This is the only answer my heart can find – simple, true, and remarkable.

There comes a point when you aren’t running anymore. Running from hurt, pain, loss, grief, betrayal, abandonment, and the flaws in yourself. Along the path, as you face each wound, the running slows, becoming a slower pace, until at last you are walking. Walking with purpose. Walking into your wholeness. Giving time to each transgression against your heart and soul until you see yourself – all your strength, beauty, grace, and wisdom. All that you are, she is seen. Walking into your future, your dreams.

It’s bittersweet growing older. Things that once mattered so much seem small. Yet, in the same breath, part of you still dreams. The path we take brings the greatest joys, even as it takes part of what you wanted so desperately. It’s bittersweet. I don’t believe I’ll ever let my dreams go. As time goes by, the longing becomes stronger. It’s brave to still go after it all, as long as you treasure the beauty your missteps have given you.

I didn’t need you to love me.
You see, I love me.
And yes,
I fell in love with you many moons ago. I never stopped if I’m being honest.
In loving you, I learned to love myself. There’s no separation of my love for myself and loving you. It simply exists. A memory or a knowing. It’s unconditional. Every single day inside me. It’s unconditional. It doesn’t require anything. It’s just love.

My practice today was confined to a cage. The freedom wasn’t there within those walls. I couldn’t feel the connection the way I do in nature. It was just motions. My soul was scratching at my body to be free. Sterile and boxed in. The sky wasn’t in view. No crisp cool air to breathe in. This cage will never do. I have to be able to absorb the earth and let nature take root inside me.

I felt it today. I was sitting in my car, listening to music, and I felt this cord wrap around my body. It pulled me, as if I were weightless, pulling me toward this invisible presence. As if my soul was being tugged at by its other half. There was no particular reason – nothing had crossed my mind, and no song brought back a memory. Just the familiar pull of something long ago and something that will always stay.