Ink Stained Soul…

It was the way he kissed his way from my neck down my spine to the curve of my ass, I knew I was with a man in control.
Hands that could kill, yet grabbing with gentle force. Eyes, watching me. Studying my breath and moans. He was locked in on his prey. Slick. Every part of me obeying his touch. Fisting my hair in a way that felt dangerously safe in his presence. Moving me, any way he wanted. My hips, guided by his strength. When I have no energy left in my own body, he becomes my protector with his care. Somehow,I melted more.

I have never been more me.
Writing new chapters with my body, with my time, with my embracing every thing I love. The ache doesn’t have a constant home inside me. That scar on my heart that feels like a claw carving into my chest, it doesn’t haunt me as often. My breathing easier now as I have found a way to live.

You stole my motherhood.
The joy of being safe in the tender moments of building the legacy of my children.
I say my children, because a father would never truly do this.
We were all your victims.
You stole time.
You caused so much damage.
The best thing you ever did was be part of creating my babies and finally leaving us alone so I could raise them solely.
Under me they have healed so much.
We all have.
Safe.
Love lives in our walls.
I did that.

All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put me back together…
But I could.
I started over with nothing but myself and my kids. I hadn’t worked in a decade but built by getting an education while raising disabled children. While being their voice, caretaker, cook, and complete support system. I
Got myself out of abuse.
I watched people I chose walk away from me over and over.
Bleeding on the ground with a broken heart.
I sat in it.
Felt it,
Honored it.
Turned my pain into art.
Created places for all my love to go.
Built something others can use to find their selves in their grief.
I became the lover of my own life.
Piece by piece, I reassembled.
I found the light in my darkness.
I kept my heart soft and open.
I learned how much love was capable of being enough.
I didn’t need to be chosen because every single act I put into myself was a choice. I had chosen to love myself.

Warmth, beautiful warmth embracing me.
The sun kissing my skin.
Gentle as a lover.
Holding me, sacred and protective.
Fire and fury.
Cascading the brilliance of ancient healing upon my soul.
Giving reverence to the sun, with it’s ability to cast light over my entire being.
Glorious as the moon that cast light on the darkness.
Holding secrets like oaths.
The breeze, grass, and sand woven pieces that tie the elements of wholeness together with the water that calls to me.
Nature.
Solstice.
Wild freedom that screams in my bones.

Dames Quarter.
Special to us both.
The dock I have loved since a child, the same one you have paddled out of for so long.
Roots.
Our roots separated by 18 years.
The key.
The arrowhead you have giving me every lifetime remains in my possession.
Our first hunt.
Stuck in the mud.
I knew in so many ways I knew.
Betty, she held our best adventures.
I shall never regret a moment.

August 2025, I sat in the rubble of what I had allowed and counted the cost.
‘Pretending it didn’t hurt, is requiring me to pretend I didn’t bleed. ‘
(This has become part of my why & my creed)
September, after I evaluated my worth, I set my path.
‘I am a dreamer not a pretender. ‘
I did the math, read the invoices, and decided my worth.
This has been the most life altering elevation to loving myself.
I didn’t wait to be saved.
I saved myself.
I found myself.
I learned to love myself.
I was brave. True. And standing in Sue Ellen. Now, I’m still rising, always becoming more, and always choosing love.

That part of you that hesitates from me, I think you should listen.
I don’t want to be with someone that hesitates. I want a man that’s sure. That in his heart, in the depths of his bones. His soul vibrates ‘she is mine. ‘ A man that cannot fathom anyone but him being the one that protects me, that pleasures me. That my smile is only for him. That my laughter eases his soul. That he is the one that gets my sighs and moans. My soft skin can only be under his touch. So that hesitation you feel, that means you are not mine. For we are made of shadow and bones.

If my wishes came true it would have been you.
You would have never walked away from me over and over.
I would have never felt the pain of being left in the cold.
Calls & messages, left unanswered. Confused, hurt, time and time again.
I would not have become so familiar with abandonment and tears! I would have not gone so long without eating or speaking.
I would not have to collect pieces of my shattered heart from you.
I would have never been faced with what seems like endless others, betrayal.
Humiliation of the deepest kind.
I would have just been loved. Protected.
Yours to cherish.
Yours to intertwine with.
I would have been everything.
I never got that love.
I got what was left.
But if wishes came true I would have never had my love destroyed by you.

Do you suppose we have been lied to?
That passion is meant for many.
That it can be experienced on every level with constant rotation.
I do not believe this to be true.
I have had many lovers in my 4 decades.
The ones the burn into your very skin are rare.
To experience this intense daring dance of glistening soul extraction is the exception to every rule.
It is something that not everyone can bring out of you.
It cannot be replicated.
It shakes you to your very core.
It’s truth in the darkness.
It’s everything you feel shining in every part of your body.
Shaking, breathless, it holds you.
Yes, we have been lied to.
I found the truth.