Ink Stained Soul…

The echoes of longing still carry your name. They have for so long that I fear they always will — and dread the day they finally stop.

One question twists in my heart, a pain that should never have to be felt: Why couldn’t you love yourself enough to love me?

In the way you carry yourself, you look like a man waiting for death, not trying to live a life.

I got moments when I was promised lifetimes.

Knowing my worth is the only reason I never asked you to love me. It should have been as easy as breathing.

He didn’t save me. I did that.

He held the door open. I chose to walk through.

Seen. Recognized.

Before him, I braced. Now —

I can’t think when he touches me. I melt. I burn. Filled with a hunger that only he can provide. My body becomes safe to feel everything in this man. Pleasure I can’t comprehend. Need. Depths of passion.

I don’t come yet. But I become. And that’s the passion my body finally feels safe enough to have.

In his arms I’m no longer starved of pleasure.

Every touch. Every thrust. Filling me in ways no human can fathom.

A wild inferno takes place. My moans and sighs sound like echoes from a distance. A volcano surrounded by a hurricane — and in the center, an island of safety in his arms.

Alive. I become alive in ways that only we can create.

My entire life, I never knew with certainty that I could stand on my own. I didn’t know if I was truly able to live without someone lying next to me, helping me make choices, keeping me safe, or being my partner in every way. It’s silly now to think about, because I have never once really had that.

I had cages.

Someone pointing out my deepest hurts and flaws. Comparing me to others. Making me feel less than and incapable.

What I have found in the past several years is that I am a creative builder. I can take nothing and make it beautiful. I can run a home, raise children, educate, find joy, reach goals, offer support, build my own legacy, and create something that will last. My pain can become art. My words matter. My heart is unrivaled. I learned I am exactly who I always believed I was, even when so many tried to kill that light inside of me.

Now I want to experience what all this can do with the right partner walking beside me.

There are places we never hide. 
Music and flesh. 
Souls that speak everything without saying words. 
A language so sacred there is no place to hide its truth. 

Vibrations course through us so intricately 
that our souls dance and our bodies follow. 

The world would be so dark without music. 
Without touching each other. 
Without you and I. 

From stardust to silver threads. 
Moonlight and sunlight. 
Warm and glowing. 
Power and softness. 

A dance ancient and sacred. 
That is us.

We know the famous tale. 
Wait long enough 
and they’ll see you. 
Choose you. 

It starves. 
It’s familiar. 

But no one tells the tale that follows. 
The one born in horror. 

The one who never believed 
you’d leave. 

This is the one that breaks bones. 
The one who waited. 
The one who loved with both hands. 
Hope on their skin. 
Loyalty in their blood. 

Rare. 
Life-changing. 

Lose that 
and a man walks the earth 
already dead. 

Lose someone who never chose you 
and you learn to choose yourself. 
You rise. 

While they 
begin to disappear.

I know what I must do. 
In truth, I have known for a while. 

My head and heart were at war. 
But harming another goes against my very nature. 

This time with myself — 
learning the depths of my entirety — 
illuminated the path. 

Choices are required. 
I bled enough. 
I finally faced the truth. 

We both must live with the memories of those choices. 
I accept them. 

I choose to surrender. 
You can carry the weight. 
I’m free.

It was the way he kissed his way from my neck down my spine to the curve of my ass, I knew I was with a man in control.
Hands that could kill, yet grabbing with gentle force. Eyes, watching me. Studying my breath and moans. He was locked in on his prey. Slick. Every part of me obeying his touch. Fisting my hair in a way that felt dangerously safe in his presence. Moving me, any way he wanted. My hips, guided by his strength. When I have no energy left in my own body, he becomes my protector with his care. Somehow,I melted more.

I have never been more me.
Writing new chapters with my body, with my time, with my embracing every thing I love. The ache doesn’t have a constant home inside me. That scar on my heart that feels like a claw carving into my chest, it doesn’t haunt me as often. My breathing easier now as I have found a way to live.

You stole my motherhood.
The joy of being safe in the tender moments of building the legacy of my children.
I say my children, because a father would never truly do this.
We were all your victims.
You stole time.
You caused so much damage.
The best thing you ever did was be part of creating my babies and finally leaving us alone so I could raise them solely.
Under me they have healed so much.
We all have.
Safe.
Love lives in our walls.
I did that.

All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put me back together…
But I could.
I started over with nothing but myself and my kids. I hadn’t worked in a decade but built by getting an education while raising disabled children. While being their voice, caretaker, cook, and complete support system. I
Got myself out of abuse.
I watched people I chose walk away from me over and over.
Bleeding on the ground with a broken heart.
I sat in it.
Felt it,
Honored it.
Turned my pain into art.
Created places for all my love to go.
Built something others can use to find their selves in their grief.
I became the lover of my own life.
Piece by piece, I reassembled.
I found the light in my darkness.
I kept my heart soft and open.
I learned how much love was capable of being enough.
I didn’t need to be chosen because every single act I put into myself was a choice. I had chosen to love myself.