Ink Stained Soul…

He was the kind of man you would wait by the door for the post to show up, hanging on every word he wrote for you. Stacks of letters poured out every single thing in him. Ache and hunger built as time passed. The burning love never faded in the silence, always leaving you hoping to reunite finally.

Sue Ellen

I got life.
You get to live your life and act like everything is good in the world.
I got life.
You get to freely walk around and no one see the darkness in you soul.
I got life.
You get to raise families without fear.
I got life.
A life of hyper-vigilance.
A life of nightmares.
A life of physical pain.
A life of fear.
A life of not trusting.
A life of never feeling whole.
All while you get to live freely,
I live in broken pieces.
I got life.

The journey has been hard. I almost let my failures and what was done to me make me lose my way. You saved me in ways you can never understand. Even though you are dark in many ways, you were the one who lit my path, always bringing me back to my strength. Giving me the reminder that if I think I can, you know I can. Balancing me perfectly. The journey has been long, but the moments that created who I am now were brilliant. You shine like my beacon when I’m lost, guiding me through the way that only you can. My journey was long, and yet I have made it, still always choosing love.

I never looked for it, but there it was. On full display, everyone chosen over me. Each dagger cut a new hole. Hearing about the relationship, all I could do was drown myself in my tears, others, and alcohol. Forever in the shadows of someone else, sometimes even my own blood, crushing the already bruised and battered heart. I had no right to feel so destroyed; he was never really mine. I tell my heart that every single night, but it still doesn’t know.

I was marked.

It was inevitable that he would.

I never stood a chance.

The way he walked with purpose. He devoured my very being with his piercing eyes and consuming kiss. Claiming what was his.

The bond running so deeply that I can feel him in my very soul.

Burning me from within.

Drowning me with memories.

Suffocating me with endless what-ifs.

He marked me.

Leaving behind an inextinguishable flame.

At night, tears can drown out everything but the pain. I become hollow, so empty, and yet still somehow full of this unimaginable, heart-wrenching pain. I am utterly devastated in your absence and fear that I will forget how it feels to be held by you. I’m terrified that I will love you this deeply forever, and even more terrified that I will stop loving you over time.

I had to put you down. The heaviness of loving you was an albatross, not allowing me to move forward, just floating through life. I was stuck in moments and memories so bittersweet. Phantoms with their hands around my neck were ripping my heart out. It was not because I didn’t love you, but because you didn’t care for me and I needed to shine again. Alone in this, I lost the color that made me radiate. My eyes became lackluster unless they were looking upon you, always spilling out my sea of emotions. So I had to put you down, for loving you meant dying slowly, waiting for a nonexistent train.

My piece’s are mine.
They shaped me.
Formed me
Into a broken,
Over thinking,
Guarded beautiful mess.
I never give them all to anyone fully, but for you,
You saw the most and taught me to keep them guarded more.

You stole my breath.
Took the oxygen from my lungs.
Removed all possibilities of me ever being able to move through life without craving you near.
One kiss was all it took to changed my entire existence.