Ink Stained Soul…

“I stopped to ask myself, ‘What do you want? What do you need? Where have you cut yourself short in the ways of your heart?’ I love so big that I forget sometimes—that I should stop sacrificing myself. A lesson so hard to learn, but still a lesson required.

So, what is it that I want and need? I want it all, you see. A man who only sees me—one who’s passionate, kind, and smart. A man who will always protect my heart, who will plan sweet things and give me his time. Providing safety, and not only letting but encouraging me to shine.

Someone to go on life’s adventures with, to be silly with me. One who will never let disagreements become more important than the future we see. Building and seeking refuge within our connection, healing and loving, taking care of one another. Fighting wars together, never going to bed mad. Cuddling and softness, picking each other up when we’re sad. Partners in crime, lovers who would shame this world. Understanding and inspiring each other.”

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: who can’t you live without? When kids are grown and you start to grow old, who do you want right there, sitting on the porch watching the sunset and night sky? Whose hand do you want to hold? Whose jokes do you want to hear? The laugh that you will not grow tired of. Will you have to convince them to dance with you? Whose stories do you want to hear time and time again? When your body can’t do what it once did, who do you want holding you all night instead? That’s where your heart lies. That is how you know. This person has your body, heart and soul.

There are some loves that stay within you. A tattoo covering inside your chest. You lose parts of yourself to them. Love that will leave a hole nothing else can fill. Making it impossible to speak without tears from both happiness and loss. For me it was him.

Song inspiration:

Taylor’s Version ‘Daylight’ Lover

You didn’t know how to love me when you first came along.
Disappointment and tears early on.
Expectations not meant.
Communication broken down.
Fear and anxiety preventing us from building on solid ground.
Cheating and lies.
Heartache and grief.
Then something happened somewhere in between.
We held on to what held us so close.
Exploring nature, late night laughs.
Singing and dancing to of course Taylor Swift.
The way you loved me in ways you knew.
You gentle spirit let me be me.
You washed my hair and rubbed my feet.
Wiping my tears and making me laugh.
Holding me in your arms while we watched the stars each night.
Embracing my love for all things in the sky.
Evenings in our place.
That we both know.
Creating more space to let love grow.
You learned to navigate my need to be free.
You now know how to love me the way I need.

I can feel flames on my skin.
Burning under the surface.
Ready to come out with the rage of Aries.
Those of you who took and took.
Knowing it wasn’t yours to acquire.
Believing me to be too gentle.
My current weak, like you assumed the water that flows with my heart.
My empathy like a target to shoot your poisonous arrows through.
Thinking that you were ripping the veil of my essence.
My light illuminating all that would come to pass.
My compass, ancient magic.
Long forgot about, coursing through my very veins.
Hidden beneath the surface of who you never truly knew.
When balance and judgement coming calling, my face is what will run through your mind.
The sound of my voice and all I ever said.
Wishing I would reach out my loving hand.
The shadows will come and I won’t be there.
For I will be dancing in the light.

You thought I would fall apart. That I would be lost without you. That I couldn’t survive. You never knew the amount of times I walked through actual hell, preparing me to rise up each time, picking up pieces of myself alone on the path I carved for me. The demons in you thought they had the upper hand. Darling, I learned to be friends with mine, embracing them along with my angels, forging an alliance within myself that no man can extinguish. A beautiful mixture of darkness and light that the devil himself finds to be a masterpiece. You thought you could set me on fire and destroy me. All I did was show you how I rise, always the elegance of a Phoenix dancing in flames. The eldest daughter forged in fire.

You never made me promises.
Yet you knew you had my heart.You knew I loved you.
You knew what you did that made me fall and that you kept doing it.
My heart wasn’t broken all at once.
No it was slow.
Small cuts.
Some larger gashes along the way.
I can’t even be angry because it was just as much my fault as yours.
I don’t know if you even did it in purpose or you were busy protecting yourself.
What does it matter?
Bruises formed and healed.
Wounds reopened over and over until I no longer had the strength to walk towards you.
Parts of me dying.
The line flattening.
I went from I hope I never lose you, to stop you are losing me, to you’re the loss of my life.
Grief, never ending grief of something that never was.
Tears enough to drowned the earth still spill even this night.
Hope lost.
Darkness my familiar friend.
There is no account of it except what the moon knows.
You are still my favorite chapters of this life.
You always will be.
I will keep my promises.
That’s who I am.
I will love you everyday but I will do it how you trained me from afar.

Music: Taylor Swift (Taylors Version)

‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’ Lover                

‘How Did it End’ The Tortured Poets Department

‘Cornelia Street’ Lover

‘you’re losing me’ Midnight’s

‘Loml’ The Tortured Poets Department

Two years ago today you kissed me and changed life. I would love to say it was easy to let go but I won’t lie to myself, even if I do to the rest of the world. The weight of loving you pulls me under a sea of tears at least once on a good day. The bad days, it drowns me. You are the only thing that haunts me this way, your laugh, voice, and touch. The nights we have had consume me. I swear I can feel you some nights, hear you say my name. I see you smile then the ache sets in. The dream I can’t obtain, us. Remembering the feeling of your eyes on me, piercing into my soul. The intensity of us without words simply because we burn for each other, something I can’t shake. Your silence and disregard have proven that nothing helps my ability to remove my love. Visions of being with you plaque me. The frequency of them have slowed up. It scares me. I don’t want to lose you there too. I have never been yours by title according to society, but I have been yours in a way that spans across infinite timelines and past lives. Bigger than the whole sky, that is what you are. My oxygen. Daily I struggle to breathe with the heaviness of your absence leaves inside me. I stare and get lost in my thoughts, you taking over. Two years of knowing and loving you, I grieve every single day in your absence still. I understand the term love of your life and loss of your life. You are both for me.

There are days so heavy I walk around like a fog surrounds me.
The weight on my chest feeling like I’m dragging an anchor.
My emotions a stormy sea, turbulent and unpredictable. The pain a jagged rock, sharp and unforgiving, cutting me with every wave.
I’m lost in this tempest, struggling to find my footing on the shifting sands of my soul.
The lump in my throat burns like a slow moving fire, threatening to consume me whole.
Burning and choking me.
Leaving me unable to speak.
The tears threatened to spill if I utter a word.
Lost in the world. Unsure if the pain will always be there under the surface. My shattered soul searching for solace in the darkness.
My brokenness demanding my attention. Alone, I just need to get alone so the ugly scars can freshly bleed all over again.
My damaged unwanted side that I don’t want to be seen.

Music : Taylor Swift Folklore Album

“this is me trying”

You can’t teach someone a lesson through your silence and absence. If she’s learned to love herself, she’ll find solace in being alone, discovering beauty in the stillness. She’ll cherish her solitude, yet remain open to connection, inviting whoever she chooses to share her space, her bed, and her heart.

The only lesson to be learned is that she wanted you, but you taught her that you didn’t have what she required. Perhaps that’s the greatest lesson of all – one of self-worth, self-love, and the courage to achieve it.