Ink Stained Soul…

We were both guilty. Running and chasing, holding tight to our independence. All the while, we were betraying our own hearts.

In our relentless pursuit of control, we fought to be the Alpha, never wanting to show weakness. But with each passing day, our actions made us weaker, not stronger. True strength lies in vulnerability.

We filled our time, and sometimes our beds, with others. Each encounter inflicted another wound, breaking us down and digging us deeper into this war. We were cutting away at the bond that once held us together, leaving behind only the tiniest of threads.

But even in the midst of destruction, there was a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t all in vain. I won’t allow it to be. I hold onto the lessons learned and the growth that emerged from the ashes.

That love, though battered and bruised, still lives on. We were two wounded warriors who had to learn the hard way. The war was never supposed to be against each other. We were both guilty.

Music inspiration: Taylor Swift ‘The Great War’ Midnight’s

It finally happened.
I needed you.
My nerves were so bad I was shaking.
My anxiety sending me back into flight or flight.
A dark place that I have a hard time escaping.
My safety in question.
I feel like I’m back to that summer when I reached for you to only find silence.
The reminder of my place.
Reality.
I have no right to feel hurt but I do all the same.
I feel something different though.
I feel like I needed to see it.
I needed to have the slap across my face to wake me up.
It’s okay.
I’m okay.
I realize I have given you a responsibility you never asked for nor wanted.

Lines have appeared.
Stretch marks riddle my body.
Cellulite, extra weight.
My arms not what they use to be.
A body worn down by life.
My breasts no longer perfect.
Age showing in my features.
Some days it’s all I see.
What life has turned me into.
Then I see her.
She is there.
Her glow brightens.
In the eyes.
She is there.
Still shining.
Still youthful.
Still the light of how I love.

Did I overlook something?
Reflecting on words spoken.

You think I don’t listen, but I am so drawn into the brilliance of you that I can’t help it sometimes. You, the only one I value every single thing you have to say.
Small insights I missed, that part of me broken.
The songs you sent.
Did I miss what it meant?
Your confessions: I’m one of the few people that matter.
Was it telling me more than what I saw?
Were you letting me know or in?
Did I miss the obvious?
Or am I just letting hope make me oblivious?
Does it even matter what happened?
It happened all the same.
Broken unable to see through the dark.

I remember I loved pink and red too.
Colors that make me feel happy, loved, and beautiful.
I don’t know when I lost it, too much time has past in dark hues.
I came alive again and rediscovered my light, the evidence irrefutable.
I walked away.
Reclaiming what is mine.
Released my skeletons.
I learned to shine.
So I love pink and red again once more.
I love the way I feel soft and open.
I love the way I’m free to explore.
I am who I have always been ready to soar.

I remember it all.
That very first day.
I immediately knew you.
From a time I could not say.

Those hands felt familiar.
That kiss I instantly recall.
Spanned over life times.
Our lives I saw.

My visions became clearer.
My gifts more aligned.
Like you held the key.
Our souls intertwined.

I have seen the good.
As well as the worst.
Every key moment.
Sometimes feeling like a curse.

Each time I know what’s coming.
My cross to bare.
And yet every life I choose you.
Even when you don’t care.

There’s a delicate balance.
We get it right from time to time.
One thing rings true no matter the outcome.
I am yours and you are mine.

Who makes her laugh?
Who’s in her bed?
Who sends her flowers?
Who makes her cheeks red?

Who knows how her day is?
Her favorite sweet treat.
Who wipes her tears?
Who rubs her feet?
Who knows when she is quiet?

What it all means.
Who listens to her sing?
Who knows her dreams?
Whose name she speaks?

Who rubs her bare thigh?
Who watches her write?
Who knows her every sigh?

Why do you think you need to know?
She is living her life.
You wanted to go.

You had what you never wanted; ask yourself why does it sting.

You have your freedom,
So let it ring.

We give our affection.
We give you our time.
We give you our hearts.
We let you lead our minds.
We give you our bodies.
We give you our bodies.
I say that times two.
You see we give our bodies to more than you.
We give you a legacy in the children we bare.
We give you our names.
Not once trace of us to spare.
We give it all and all we need.
Is a man that will love us correctly without having to plead.

My strength is astonishing. 
The last 3 years have proven to be a mixture of every single trauma I have endured.
Untangling the lies from around my rose coloured glasses.
Sifting through the sands the hold my life.
Dissecting cell by cell of my pieces for what I thought was cause of death.
No.
It was how I heal that was the discovery.
When something takes my parts,turning them cold, useless, and black, I remap my essence.
Neurodivergent.
Rewire the paths but never losing who I have and will always be.
Stored in a cloud that holds everything assigned to each person filed away.
Allowing the remapping to pull from every interaction.
Assaults added to the drawer but in their own files.
Properly assigned but added to the grand file for pattern recognition.
Gifts of a combination of resilience to the callousness received.
My strength is astonishing.
For I am never going to be anything but a warrior who fights.

Music inspiration: Taylor Swift

‘I can do it with a broken heart’ and ‘How did it end’

The man whose chalant.
Who knows how to move.
The one boderlined obsessed.
He never makes you feel used.
Whose presence is protective.
Teaches you chivalry isn’t dead.
Leads you into softness.
He holds you sweetly.
Taking care of your needs.
All the while making it clear.
You were never hard to please.
No games to play with your head.
Takes charge and respects you.
In all that you are.
He sees you and loves.
For you are  his treasure, by far.