Ink Stained Soul…

“I needed him, not in a way that threatened my physical existence, but in a way that made life worth living. I never craved perfection; instead, I was drawn to his authentic, imperfect self. Was I attracted to him? More than anyone in this world.

It was the entirety of him that captivated me: his presence, laugh, eyes, smile, the way he spoke, his mind, and above all, his soul. His darkness was palpable, but his light – oh, his radiant light. I often wondered if he knew how brightly he shone to me.

He was my silver thread, my guiding force that brought me home. His love enveloped me in a sense of timelessness, a feeling as ancient as the universe itself. I needed him because my soul had chosen him, and for me, that was enough.

It was never a choice, just like breathing isn’t a choice. We don’t choose who our souls connect with; it simply is. And so, I’ve learned to live half alive, for without him, I’m left with no other option.”

Playlist song: Invisible String Taylor Swift

The moon and I converse, sharing secrets about the ways you drive me crazy. You force me to look within, frustrating me more often than I’d care to admit. Yet, we also discuss the depth of my longing to be in your presence, cherishing memories that are my most sacred thoughts.
The moon knows the thrill I feel when you stand behind me, your lips grazing my shoulder. She’s aware that my numbness to life dissolves the moment you set your sights on me. With your touch, fire ignites in my veins.

In the moon’s silvery light, I confide to her of the man who is bigger than the sky, feeling heard and understood with every word.

I used to call. When my world felt unstable, your voice was the one that quieted my mind. I chased after you, thinking it mattered. I used to think it was just commitment that you never wanted, when it was just me. These months of silence with your new relationship forced me to see that while I was in love, you were waiting for someone to come along. I cried myself to sleep for 117 nights. Heavy in grief. I was never really free. It came and went; it changed me.

“How could I betray myself again? I’ve pulled myself out of trauma inflicted by others, recovered from abuse and toxic relationships, and released myself from the grips of depression and grief. But here I am, again.

Did I go too deep? No. But I slipped. I let myself forget that, above all else, I must put myself first. I hate starting over, but at least I’m not starting from nothing. This is a lesson to love myself more – to prioritize my own healing, growth, and well-being.

“Less and less, that’s how the pain feels each time I face the lash of your disregard for my existence. Astonishingly, anger and tears of hurt have become obsolete. What once would send me spiraling, I can now find humor in.

I didn’t shatter; I reshaped. I took my broken pieces and used my light to seal them into a beautiful new form.”

While I was busy trying to forget how desperately I was in love with you, someone came along. They made me laugh and brought me out of my comfort zone. They took me on adventures, introducing me to nature in a way I now love. They brought me my favorite food or took me to watch the stars on the beach. They held me, making me feel adored. And yet I still cry for what we should have been. I still love you; I suppose I always will.

At times, I question things. Is it really this pull that keeps me? Does he actually care? But when I get lost in doubts, I’m brought back to the truth.

He saved me. He made me brave. He brought me to life, making me feel things I never had. His presence is a sanctuary; I can sit next to him and feel quiet, peaceful. I care about every word he speaks.

He challenged me, pushed me to grow, and helped me discover new depths within myself. All those questions I have, the answer remains the same:

Because of him, love exist for me.

There is one artist that speaks to me lyrically. It’s poetry to my soul. Captivating deep parts of me. Bringing emotions connected to someone, a place, a time when this was how I was feeling. Telling my story with her words. Inspiring me, healing me, giving me the map to set myself free.

‘Untouchable’ Taylor’s Version

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I’m reaching out and I just can’t tell you why
I’m caught up in you
I’m caught up in you
Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you’re close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night, when I’m in this dream
It’s like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we’ll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven

The lyrics are beautiful. Making me reflect on the one I look to the moon and talk about. The longing and loving. Hoping and dreaming. The fact the every night the stars spell out his name.

‘You All Over Me’ Taylor’s version (vault track)

The best and worst day of June
Was the one that I met you
With your hands in your pockets
And your ‘don’t you wish you had me’ grin
But I did, so I smiled, and I melted like a child
Now every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then
And I lived, and I learned
Had you, got burned
Held out, and held on
God knows, too long
And wasted time, lost tears
Swore that I’d get out of here
But no amount of freedom gets you clean
I’ve still got you all over me
I lived, and I learned
And found out what it was to turn around
And see, that we
Were never really meant to be
So I lied, and I cried
And I watched a part of myself die
‘Cause no amount of freedom gets you clean
I’ve still got you all over me
I’ve still got you all over me
Still got you all over me

This is devastating tragic beauty. I have felt this inside my bones. It is remarkable how it feels like she wrote this after listening me cry my heart out to my near friend. As if she took my hurt and put it into words. There is no amount of time that cleans him off me.

‘Don’t You’ Taylor’s version (vault track)

Sometimes I really wish that I could hate you
I’ve tried, but that’s just somethin’ I can’t do
My heart knows what the truth is
I swore I wouldn’t do this
But don’t you
Don’t you smile at me and ask me how I’ve been
Don’t you say you’ve missed me if you don’t want me again
You don’t know how much I feel I love you still
So why don’t you, don’t you?

I feel like a broken record but this has encompassed so many of my emotions. It’s how you mask the love you still hold for someone. How you know what’s true in your heart but can’t say? It’s always there that breath you have been holding.

“I was never too good for him,
Nor was I not enough.
For my heart loved him from the start,
Before I knew I loved his eyes, voice, laugh, and smile.

Without any strings, except the one that binds me to him now,
Destiny agreed upon before we ever met.
Twin souls, fated life after life,
Our promises to be kept.

Magic and passion, shadow and light,
Always, each lifetime, so we get it right.”