Ink Stained Soul…

I used to call. When my world felt unstable, your voice was the one that quieted my mind. I chased after you, thinking it mattered. I used to think it was just commitment that you never wanted, when it was just me. These months of silence with your new relationship forced me to see that while I was in love, you were waiting for someone to come along. I cried myself to sleep for 117 nights. Heavy in grief. I was never really free. It came and went; it changed me.

“How could I betray myself again? I’ve pulled myself out of trauma inflicted by others, recovered from abuse and toxic relationships, and released myself from the grips of depression and grief. But here I am, again.

Did I go too deep? No. But I slipped. I let myself forget that, above all else, I must put myself first. I hate starting over, but at least I’m not starting from nothing. This is a lesson to love myself more – to prioritize my own healing, growth, and well-being.

“Less and less, that’s how the pain feels each time I face the lash of your disregard for my existence. Astonishingly, anger and tears of hurt have become obsolete. What once would send me spiraling, I can now find humor in.

I didn’t shatter; I reshaped. I took my broken pieces and used my light to seal them into a beautiful new form.”

While I was busy trying to forget how desperately I was in love with you, someone came along. They made me laugh and brought me out of my comfort zone. They took me on adventures, introducing me to nature in a way I now love. They brought me my favorite food or took me to watch the stars on the beach. They held me, making me feel adored. And yet I still cry for what we should have been. I still love you; I suppose I always will.

At times, I question things. Is it really this pull that keeps me? Does he actually care? But when I get lost in doubts, I’m brought back to the truth.

He saved me. He made me brave. He brought me to life, making me feel things I never had. His presence is a sanctuary; I can sit next to him and feel quiet, peaceful. I care about every word he speaks.

He challenged me, pushed me to grow, and helped me discover new depths within myself. All those questions I have, the answer remains the same:

Because of him, love exist for me.

There is one artist that speaks to me lyrically. It’s poetry to my soul. Captivating deep parts of me. Bringing emotions connected to someone, a place, a time when this was how I was feeling. Telling my story with her words. Inspiring me, healing me, giving me the map to set myself free.

‘Untouchable’ Taylor’s Version

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I’m reaching out and I just can’t tell you why
I’m caught up in you
I’m caught up in you
Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you’re close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night, when I’m in this dream
It’s like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we’ll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven

The lyrics are beautiful. Making me reflect on the one I look to the moon and talk about. The longing and loving. Hoping and dreaming. The fact the every night the stars spell out his name.

‘You All Over Me’ Taylor’s version (vault track)

The best and worst day of June
Was the one that I met you
With your hands in your pockets
And your ‘don’t you wish you had me’ grin
But I did, so I smiled, and I melted like a child
Now every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then
And I lived, and I learned
Had you, got burned
Held out, and held on
God knows, too long
And wasted time, lost tears
Swore that I’d get out of here
But no amount of freedom gets you clean
I’ve still got you all over me
I lived, and I learned
And found out what it was to turn around
And see, that we
Were never really meant to be
So I lied, and I cried
And I watched a part of myself die
‘Cause no amount of freedom gets you clean
I’ve still got you all over me
I’ve still got you all over me
Still got you all over me

This is devastating tragic beauty. I have felt this inside my bones. It is remarkable how it feels like she wrote this after listening me cry my heart out to my near friend. As if she took my hurt and put it into words. There is no amount of time that cleans him off me.

‘Don’t You’ Taylor’s version (vault track)

Sometimes I really wish that I could hate you
I’ve tried, but that’s just somethin’ I can’t do
My heart knows what the truth is
I swore I wouldn’t do this
But don’t you
Don’t you smile at me and ask me how I’ve been
Don’t you say you’ve missed me if you don’t want me again
You don’t know how much I feel I love you still
So why don’t you, don’t you?

I feel like a broken record but this has encompassed so many of my emotions. It’s how you mask the love you still hold for someone. How you know what’s true in your heart but can’t say? It’s always there that breath you have been holding.

“I was never too good for him,
Nor was I not enough.
For my heart loved him from the start,
Before I knew I loved his eyes, voice, laugh, and smile.

Without any strings, except the one that binds me to him now,
Destiny agreed upon before we ever met.
Twin souls, fated life after life,
Our promises to be kept.

Magic and passion, shadow and light,
Always, each lifetime, so we get it right.”

He opens the door. Those eyes – I can’t hide from them. Kisses on my shoulder make the world fade away. His strong, gentle hands pull me in, holding me in place with the sheer gravity of our bond. I am alive again; every sense in my body is awakened. Passion, lit like a flame only he knows how to make burn, consumes us. Coming undone together, our need for each other is something we can’t let go of. His presence blankets me, shielding me from outside forces. When reality must exist again, he lingers in my very skin and bones – soul deep.

The one constant in life is change. How bittersweet that it is the one thing we all dislike the most? Relationships come and go, evolving or dissipating altogether. While we learn that seasons come and go, we don’t always like to accept the new, and loss does, in fact, occur.

As we navigate these changes, it’s essential to remember that the past has its place in our memories. We can treasure the lessons and fondness, but we must avoid getting stuck. We can hold onto the memories without holding onto the pain.

This doesn’t mean that the loss is not painful, but rather that the beauty lies ahead. We can’t look back; instead, we must focus on the present and the future. We don’t have to feel abandoned by what must move forward. Sometimes, we hold onto situations that are truly holding us back from moving toward our purpose.

As we move forward, it’s crucial to recognize that we cannot have forward movement without shedding things meant for seasons, not lifetimes. We must learn to let go and trust that the universe is guiding us toward our destiny. Choose to see things moving into your destined path, and remember that it’s okay to say goodbye.