Ink Stained Soul…

What you didn’t know… In those months of silence,is that I was drowning. Lost in darkness, the emptiness swallowed me whole. I sat outside night after night. Unable to speak, my voice not working. A constant flow of tears, sometimes accompanied by sobs that even the rain couldn’t drown out. Broken deeply, over and over. Each day the same. Heartache I had never known. Weight falling off of me. I was dying slowly. The knowledge of that relationship, the deafening sound of your silence—my executioner. When the color finally started to come back to my face, I stood and looked at myself. A warrior, significantly smaller in frame, with dark circles and a broken smile. But there was a smile. I had survived. I lived through the loss of what we could have been. I loved through your rejection of me, while I knew you chose another. I saw the broken smile and the color, and I loved who I was. I didn’t need the validation of being yours any longer, because I never was.

Songs: Taylors Version

‘Sad Beautiful Tragic’

‘All Too Well’ 10 minute version

‘My Tears Ricochet’

‘Cardigan’

‘Maroon’

‘You All Over Me’

‘Exile’

‘The Moment I Knew’

‘Last Kiss’

‘This is me Trying’

He was broken.
From things I knew nothing about. There he stood before me and all I see is the beauty inside him.
Hard from life.
Walls around him made of regret, pain, betrayl from himself and others. A heart so closed off. He doesn’t see that it’s keeping him held captive.
He overpowers me with the Enigma of his presence. A masterpiece that isn’t broken just put back together different than me.
Transmitting his song to my soul.
I wasn’t there to save him, nor he to save me.
Seen and accepted was all that was required.
Pushing to be the best of ourselves.
I didn’t seen those broken pieces.
I just saw him.

Combing through the our memories searching for clues I overlooked.
Should I have chosen a different way of handling my own hurt and rejection?
Was I sabotaging just as much as you?
I replay it so much, I end up in circles.
This gut feeling you don’t want me to know.
Me learning the truth, Your version will change the entire trajectory.
Standing on shaking ground once more.
I’m getting tired, even for a Phoenix.
I suppose time will tell.
Fate will decide.

When we love someone and ache to be with them, hurt that they don’t have the same feelings, walls go up. In an attempt to shield ourselves from further pain, we can take actions we’re not proud of. We might try to fill the void with someone else, never once thinking that maybe, just maybe, the one we love is in the same position. Perhaps they too love someone they can’t have, and we become the temporary fix, the distraction from their own longing. Realizing they will never share how you feel because their heart won’t go all the way. Becoming an endless cycle of use, where we’re both trying to fill the emptiness, but never truly finding fulfillment.

There will inevitably be someone more alluring than you,
With beauty more striking than your own.
She may have prettier eyes and a smile that outshines yours.
Someone who captures the eye of the one you desire.
Oh yes, there will be another.
She will fit better in the box you’ve never fit into.
Becoming the mold of who someone chooses.
You will find that, although it hurts along the way.
You are anything but the typical mundane.
She allows those who need a box to sit back and watch while you shine across the entire sky.
My darling, there is no one who will ever be you.

It was rare.
I remember every moment.
It wasn’t the desperate dive into need.
This was intentional.
Meticulous.
Always with purpose what you speak to me.
Few words ever needed.
Our eyes betraying us, or were we both choosing to let it be seen and felt.
My body yours once again.
Full of life, fire, ache, desire, you, and love.
Every movement seeping in us.
Pouring out the entirety of my being into you.
Hoarse from calling out.
Only taking our eyes off one another long enough to close them in release and surrender.
Clinging to one other.
We move in sync as we have done from the start.
Effortlessly.
Holding on to everything that we are.
Lost or found, I don’t think it mattered.
Each touch screaming how deeply we are connected.
Intertwined in every way.
Nothing else exist.
It was sacred.

Song inspiration:

‘I’m yours’ Isabel LaRosa

I close my eyes, I see you there.
Those piercing blue eyes; that smart ass grin.
Pulling my legs in your lap.
Candles lit.
Music playing.
Teasing, test the waters.
Tasting.
The barrier we keep up has fallen.
I feel your breathe on my neck.
Voice low and commanding.
I was a drippy sweaty mess.
Barley able to speak.
Giving all of myself to you.
You knew it too.
When I surrendered to you, to us.
I was trembling.
You held me, reassuring me.
I was yours.

Song Inspiration:

Fearless Taylor’s Version ‘ Untouchable’

I have a few theories wrapped in my own experience and other close to me.
I think we force things and argue when we haven’t learned some lesson. This person shows you what you want. I don’t think you have issues that prevent love from Flushing when it’s true.
You naturally want to meet that person in the middle and shape life with a goal of doing life together. When that’s what you have nothing is impossible.
If you want to win then you aren’t on the same team. That’s not love. That attraction with self serving purpose.
You have to want their presence even if they are sick because that who you are to one another. Love is in the quiet mundane world when you close the door on the outside world.
We are trained to settle.
Too afraid to let yourself free fall and find the magic.

When his shields fall, I see him. The boy inside. Brilliant with more depths than what he shows the world. Meticulous with his words. So far ahead, that I wonder if he realizes he left me behind. I fall into a girl that has child-like naivety when I listen to him speak. I breathe it in. Those moments I have had the pleasure to know him that way.

“We needed that night, the one you called for me. You have the ability to still take me by surprise. You stayed. I slept beside you; you pulled me close. We needed that night.
Teasingly calling each other out on our bullshit, knowing we were both seeing who would cave. How far would we let each other in? What were we willing to say? The weakness we have for one another is palpable. Our eyes speak, telling they other the truth. Our fire, controls us when we have held back too long.
The things we say to each other when our bodies are one—the heat, the sweat, the raging wildfire. Everything we won’t say comes out in our desire. Time does not dull the storm that we are. But morning light returns us to who we were, as it has always done.”